‘you Are Constantly Told You Are Evil’: Inside The Lives Of Diagnosed Narcissists

There are times erstwhile Jay Spring believes he is “the top personification connected satellite Earth”. The 22-year-old from Los Angeles is simply a diagnosed narcissist, and successful his astir grandiose moments, “it tin get really delusional”, he says. “You are connected unreality 9 and you’re like, ‘Everyone’s going to cognize that I’m amended than them … I’ll do awesome things for nan world’.”

For Spring, these periods of self-aggrandisement are mostly followed by a “crash”, erstwhile he feels affectional and embarrassed by his behaviour, and is peculiarly susceptible to disapproval from others. He came to fishy that he whitethorn person narcissistic characteristic upset (NPD) aft researching his symptoms online – and was yet diagnosed by a professional. But he doesn’t deliberation he would person accepted nan test had he not already travel to nan conclusion connected his own. “If you effort to show personification that they person this disorder, they’ll astir apt contradict it,” he says – particularly if they acquisition feelings of superiority, arsenic he does. “They’re successful a illusion world that they made for themselves. And that world is like, I’m nan top and cipher tin mobility me.”

Though group person been labelled arsenic narcissists for much than a century, it’s not ever clear what is meant by nan term. “Everyone calls everybody a narcissist,” says W Keith Campbell, psychology professor astatine nan University of Georgia and a narcissism expert. The connection is “used much than it should be” – but erstwhile it comes to a general diagnosis, he believes galore group hide it, arsenic location is truthful overmuch stigma astir nan disorder. A narcissist will thin to person “an inflated position of oneself”, “a deficiency of empathy”, and “a strategy of utilizing group to bolster one’s self-esteem aliases societal position done things for illustration seeking admiration, displaying worldly goods, seeking power,” says Campbell. Those pinch NPD whitethorn beryllium “extremely narcissistic”, to nan constituent that “they’re not capable to clasp down unchangeable relationships, it damages their jobs”, and they person a “distorted position of reality”, he says.

Though up to 75% of group diagnosed pinch narcissistic characteristic upset are men, investigation from nan University of London published past twelvemonth suggests this fig does not mean location are less narcissistic women, but that female narcissism is much often presented successful nan covert form (also defined arsenic susceptible narcissism), which is little commonly diagnosed. “Men’s narcissism tends to beryllium a spot much accepted, conscionable benignant of for illustration everything successful society,” says Atlanta-based Kaelah Oberdorf, 23, who posts astir her NPD and borderline characteristic upset (BPD) diagnoses connected TikTok. It is not uncommon to spot nan 2 disorders co-occur.

“I really struggle pinch handling disapproval and rejection,” says Oberdorf , “because if I perceive that nan problem is me, I either spell into defence mode aliases I wholly unopen down.” Despite having this consequence – which is sometimes referred to arsenic “narcissistic injury”, she has been trying to flooded it and return proposal from her loved ones, arsenic she doesn’t want to gaffe into nan harmful behaviour of her past. “I was very emotionally abusive to my partners arsenic a teenager,” she says. Through dialectical behavioural therapy, she has been capable to mitigate her NPD symptoms, and she says she and her existent fellow “have a move wherever I told him, ‘If I opportunity thing messed up, if I opportunity thing manipulative, telephone it retired correct past and there’.”

Oberdorf grew up chiefly successful nan attraction of her father and says she lacked positive domiciled models arsenic a child. “I’ve been learning each this time what is and is not due to opportunity during a conflict because I ne'er had that increasing up,” she says. “Nothing was off-limits erstwhile my family members were insulting maine erstwhile I was increasing up.”

Kaelah Oberdorf: ‘Nothing was off-limits erstwhile family members were insulting maine erstwhile I was increasing up.’

Personality disorders thin to beryllium associated pinch difficulties arsenic a child. “There is simply a familial component,” says Tennyson Lee, an NHS advisor psychiatrist who useful astatine nan DeanCross characteristic upset work successful London. But, erstwhile personification develops narcissistic traits, it is often “linked to that individual’s peculiar early environment”. Those traits were “their strategy successful immoderate ways to past astatine a very early age”, he adds, erstwhile they whitethorn person been neglected, aliases only shown emotion that was conditional connected gathering definite expectations. They past “continue to usage those aforesaid mechanisms arsenic adults”.

Like respective of nan NPD-diagnosed group I speak to, John (not his existent name) thinks his parents “may beryllium narcissists themselves”. The 38-year-old from Leeds says erstwhile he was a child, “everything was each astir them and their activity and their societal life. So it was like, enactment retired of our way.” When their attraction was connected him, it came successful nan shape of “a awesome magnitude of pressure” to execute bully grades and profession success, he says, which made him consciousness that if he didn’t meet their standards, he wasn’t “good enough”.

When he became an adult, nary of his relationships ever worked out,. “I’ve ne'er cared astir anyone really,” he says. “So I’ve ne'er taken relationships seriously.” He didn’t deliberation he was tin of loving someone, until he met his existent partner of 3 years, who is diagnosed pinch BPD, so, for illustration him, struggles pinch affectional regulation. She is “really knowing of nan worldly that goes connected successful my head”, he says – it was really she who first suspected he mightiness person NPD.

After a sojourn to his GP, John was referred to a objective psychologist for an appraisal and was told his diagnosis. He has been referred for talking therapy connected nan NHS (a agelong play of therapy is nan only curen that has been shown to thief NPD patients, says Lee), but has been connected nan waiting database for a twelvemonth and a half: “They said it is astir apt going to beryllium possibly February aliases March adjacent year.”

John has only told a fistful of group astir his NPD diagnosis, because “there’s a large stigma that each narcissists are abusers”, but, privately, he has accepted it. “It helps maine to understand myself better, which is ever a bully thing,” he says. All of nan group I speak to person accepted their narcissism and are seeking thief for it – hence being consenting to talk astir it – which is astir apt not typical of each group pinch nan disorder. But nan beingness of NPD contented creators specified arsenic Oberdorf and Lee Hammock, and nan maturation of online support communities, propose that much narcissists are openly acknowledging nan issues they look – and nan ones they whitethorn beryllium causing for others.

“Seeing that you’re not unsocial successful what you’re struggling with, being capable to talk to different group who subordinate to you and possibly proceeding coping mechanisms” are reasons why reddit personification Phteven_j (who would for illustration to stay anonymous) started joining successful conversations astir NPD online. Now a moderator of nan r/NPD subreddit, nan 37-year-old package technologist thinks he and his co-moderators are “pretty bully astir not encouraging disordered behaviour” and ensuring “it’s not a breeding crushed for immoderate benignant of antagonistic aliases upset behaviour and much of a spot wherever you tin effort to improve”.

Illustration: Pete Reynolds/The Guardian

Although, successful volunteering arsenic a moderator, “I’d beryllium lying if I said that I wasn’t seeking retired immoderate benignant of position of authority” – which arguably stems from NPD symptoms – Phteven_j believes nan subreddit is mostly a unit for good. However, nan slew of reddit users wanting to kick astir narcissists (and sometimes moreover nan beingness of a subreddit that acts arsenic a support group for them) “is constant” he says. Across nan internet, narcissists are often “painted arsenic almost for illustration supervillains” and nan stories shared are often from nan position of those who person been abused by personification they judge to beryllium a narcissist. “The proposal is, typically, nan same: tally away, you’ve sewage to time off them, don’t ever talk to them again,” nan moderator says.

Oberdorf is besides captious of nan measurement narcissism is discussed online. Social media users person accused her of “bragging” astir her characteristic disorders because she lists them connected her profiles and discusses them successful her content. “I’m not bragging astir nan truth that I person debilitating intelligence illness,” she says. “I americium proud of nan truth that I person survived pinch intelligence illnesses that statistically could person taken my life.” She is keen to unfastened up much conversations astir NPD – “stigma is nan number 1 worst point for immoderate unwellness ever”.

Jay Spring: ‘A narcissist wanting to judge they are nan champion is coping pinch nan emotion they are nan worst.’

In this property of selfies and thirst traps, it tin consciousness that narcissism must beryllium connected nan rise. But conscionable because location are now much outlets for narcissistic behaviour, prevalence of nan objective information doesn’t look to beryllium increasing, says Lee. It’s worthy noting, Campbell adds, that “social media is making group consciousness worse astir themselves”, and, for astir people, “it doesn’t make them consciousness affirmative astir themselves aliases deliberation they’re awesome”.

The measurement NPD diagnoses are made is “suboptimal”, however, according to Lee. Most of nan investigation connected NPD has been done successful nan US, wherever a paper published by nan American Psychiatric Association estimates nan upset is recovered successful 1%–2% of nan population. “If you make nan diagnosis, past it’s made connected nan [American Psychiatric Association’s] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) guidelines, wherever it only captures an facet of narcissism, which is nan much overt, benignant of fierce type of narcissism, but it doesn’t seizure nan much covert aliases delicate form,” says Lee.

There are 2 astir commonly talked astir types of narcissism. The first is nan “grandiose” aliases “overt” form, which manifests successful stereotypically narcissistic behaviours specified arsenic aggression and attention-seeking. The 2nd is simply a “vulnerable” aliases “covert” narcissist, which is “the benignant of individual nan clinician mightiness miss, because they often travel crossed arsenic acold much contained, moreover self-effacing astatine times”, Lee says. Grandiose and susceptible narcissism “are different sides of nan aforesaid coin”, he says. Both types will person an inflated consciousness of their ain importance, but for a covert narcissist that whitethorn mean a hypersensitivity to disapproval aliases a unfortunate mentality alternatively than a desire to put themselves successful nan spotlight.

Campbell points retired that location is simply a consequence of narcissists “using societal media to support their narcissism”, arsenic it tin beryllium a instrumentality “to get favourable attraction aliases affirmative feedback”, but does spot nan use of affirmative domiciled models and support for group pinch NPD. When a celebrity, specified arsenic nan American comedian Nick Cannon successful 2024, “comes retired pinch NPD and says it’s causing maine problems, that’s a awesome message,” says Campbell, “that’s a awesome message”.

Lee, too, is wary of societal media being utilized to amended aliases arsenic a support strategy for group pinch NPD, “because there’s truthful overmuch misinformation”. But he believes “more structured” accusation is missing, peculiarly successful nan NHS. “The work for narcissistic individuals is very uneven passim nan UK” and “many clinicians don’t make nan test of narcissism”, Lee says, partially because they aren’t primed to announcement it, and partially retired of reluctance to make a test that is perceived truthful negatively. The symptoms of NPD besides mean that “if a narcissist is successfully starring their life, moreover though they mightiness person rather a beardown level of narcissism, they’re not going to activity treatment”. When a diligent pinch NPD does activity help, it is often because they person suffered antagonistic consequences of their narcissistic behaviour, aliases a partner aliases family personnel has encouraged them.

Spring wishes group would reframe nan measurement they deliberation astir narcissists. “A narcissist is attempting to judge that they are nan champion because that is nan coping system for emotion like: ‘I americium nan worst,’” he says. “There’s thing missing pinch maine and I request to beryllium successful this imagination world wherever I’m nan leader because possibly successful my puerility I was nan villain and now I request to overcompensate for that.”

NPD is intelligibly a information that requires psychological help, but Oberdorf tin understand why narcissists don’t activity it: “If you person a problem, and you are perpetually being told that group pinch your type of circumstantial problem are unworthy, aliases they’re evil, aliases they’re horrible group because of this problem, why would you want to admit that you person that problem?”