Punk Royale, London W1: ‘someone Shoved Mystery Slop In My Mouth’ – Restaurant Review | Grace Dent On Restaurants

Punk Royale, from Stockholm, has landed successful London promising, aliases alternatively threatening, that their rowdy, immersive, 20-course fine-dining acquisition will destruct each puny British perceptions of posh food. It’s a immense declare from these Swedish punks. Indeed, astir 50 years aft nan UK invented punk, pinch nan Sex Pistols effing and jeffing connected unrecorded TV and provoking a nationalist meltdown, present we person immoderate people pinch mullets and Roxette CDs slopping “bumps” of caviar connected to my manus soon aft beckoning maine into a shoddily decorated, fusty-smelling eating room successful Mayfair. It’s each a spot student location and needs a bully sojourn from Mr Sheen. That bump, 1 supposes, is simply a playful twist connected taking cocaine astatine a grotty afterparty. However, nary of nan jokes astatine Punk Royale is really playful: rather, they’re mostly big, clumsy sledgehammer thwacks. Such arsenic when, for example, they move disconnected nan lights, service immoderate substandard remoulade, and instruct you to lick it disconnected nan plate, while blasting Khia’s My Neck, My Back again and again arsenic your psyche dies. I’ve heard much whimsical humour astatine a Roy Chubby Brown gig.

That caviar bump, by nan way, came pinch a changeable of herb h2o that complemented it nicely. All nan drinks afterwards connected nan non-alcoholic vino flight, however, were thick, soupy, funky and vegetal.

‘Largely inedible’: guinea fowl pinch blackberry swede puree astatine Punk Royale, London W1.

Punk Royale’s aversion to crockery and cutlery is possibly its astir subversive idea. Over 20 breakneck courses, we were served galore items connected nan lids of integrative takeaway boxes (including a cheesy puff pinch a piped sauce) and successful syringes. In 1 case, we were slung cheap surgical gloves and a tin of thing salmony, and told to eat it pinch our hands. Knives and forks appeared astir people 17 to tackle immoderate mostly inedible guinea fowl pinch what Punk Royale called “tasty paste”. I person nary thought what was successful it.

We sat awaiting nan existent show: nan singing, nan dancing, nan debauchery; eventually, personification brought a ample stainless-steel serving spoon, tapped maine connected nan enarthrosis and shoved enigma slop into my mouth. It turned retired to beryllium lobster, truffle and kohlrabi. There was foie gras connected a smiley blini pinch a syringe of raisin juice, which was fundamentally Shloer. Nothing tasted of much. I was virtually force-fed and it each arrived astatine velocity – each 2 minutes, different crockery was banged down. At nan end, they served a cube of what could person been Hartley’s jelly.

‘Nothing tasted of much’: Punk Royale’s foie gras blini pinch saccharine wine. Photograph: Amy Heycock/The Guardian

The java semifreddo was my favourite portion – a infinitesimal of refuge – though possibly I was conscionable successful daze and this was nan balanced of immoderate saccharine tea. This cooking isn’t delicate, aliases worthy nan £500 for 2 pinch a non-alcoholic portion pairing. Of course, immoderate mightiness opportunity it’s not astir nan food, it’s astir nan vibe. But astatine £500 it really should beryllium astir nan food, too, not conscionable coating oysters greenish and serving unseasoned tofu nuggets pinch damp breadcrumbs connected a container lid and reasoning you’re Escoffier successful Vivienne Westwood tartan pants.

The trendification of UK dining, wherever diners are bankrupted only to beryllium told that it was ne'er astir nan cooking, is wearisome. A problem for these punks is that London already has a plethora of immersive eating options; should you wish to eat bad chickenhearted successful W1 and beryllium harassed by jobbing actors impersonating Basil Fawlty, Poirot aliases an Elizabethan wench, we are already good catered to.

‘Some mightiness opportunity it’s not astir nan nutrient … though astatine £500 for 2 it really should be’: Punk Royale’s oyster successful greenish curry pome granita. Photograph: Amy Heycock/The Guardian

As for genuinely shocking immersive theatre, nan likes of You Me Bum Bum Train, Punchdrunk, Secret Cinema and a 1000 different arty experiences person group a high, surreal, big-budget bar. Casts of hundreds, hidden rooms, aggregate storylines, daze celebrity appearances; alternatively magically, there’s nary limit to nan vigour pinch which these interactive experiences group retired genuinely to jar nan audience.

Meanwhile, Punk Royale, which I’m guessing is aimed astatine cash-rich, experience-hungry twentysomethings, really only does 1 rankling thing, and that’s taking diners’ phones and locking them successful a container for safekeeping. Clearly this is to sphere nan magic of nan journey, though a cynic mightiness opportunity that there’s truthful small constituent to nan staging of meal present that Instagram scrutiny would termination it chromatic dormant successful 2 weeks. We fled into Saturday nighttime Soho, wherever existent debauchery has thrived non-stop since astatine slightest 1500.

It’s only rock’n’roll, and I don’t for illustration it.

• Punk Royale 6 Sackville Street, London W1S, 07375 136388. Open meal Tues-Sat; seating times Tues 7pm; Weds-Sat 5.45-6pm and 8.45-9pm. £220 per head, including drinks, positive service.

• The adjacent section of Grace’s Comfort Eating podcast is retired connected Tuesday 14 October – perceive to it here.