Mary Earps: ‘i Was In Pure Survival Mode But Barely Surviving At All’

In early 2020, connected nan eve of lockdown, Phil Neville, past caput coach of England, dropped Mary Earps from nan squad.

For nan first clip ever, I began to consciousness thing unimaginable; I felt disillusioned pinch shot and unsure what I was doing successful life, chasing this dream that was perpetually successful scope but ne'er afloat wrong my grasp. And then, abruptly, lockdown hit. And nan world changed, astatine either nan champion imaginable clip for maine – aliases nan very worst.

My life had been built astir a building for erstwhile I trained, ate and moreover erstwhile I slept for arsenic agelong arsenic I could remember. It was my scaffolding. Suddenly, aft seldom ever having had much than a time disconnected astatine a time, I could do immoderate I wanted.

I threw everything I knew retired nan model and did each of it, successful immoderate measure, whenever I wanted, kidding myself that this break from nan grind could do maine good. I stopped answering my phone, watching friends’ and family’s names flash crossed nan surface past waited for nan backlight to dim arsenic I returned to immoderate I was watching connected TV.

I hardly moved from nan sofa, shovelling down biscuits alternatively of meals, and developed horrific slumber patterns, watching nan last section of The Last Dance, nan documentary bid astir Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls, past looking up to realise it was 5am.

Mary Earps: ‘I hardly moved from nan sofa, shovelling down biscuits alternatively of meals, and developed horrific slumber patterns.’

I told myself that I was enjoying making decisions for myself for nan first clip successful adulthood, choosing what I did pinch my clip and what I didn’t.

In reality, I was taking nan isolation we’d been forced into and letting it do its worst and it didn’t return agelong to realise that this full business was a vulnerable invitation to demons.

My full life I’d believed that vulnerability and immense floods of emotion were weakness, but now that nan doors were closed I could beryllium arsenic susceptible arsenic I chose, connected my own, distant from everyone. It was for illustration nan times I utilized to outcry successful my chamber complete my vexation astatine my hunger to play.

The truth is, I was successful axenic endurance mode but hardly surviving astatine all.

I started drinking successful a measurement I wasn’t utilized to. I put Echo Falls Summer Berries Vodka successful nan freezer and poured it retired pinch fare lemonade and strawberries suspended successful crystal cubes, for illustration different indulgent treat.

When I ran out, I’d spell down to nan section shop and banal up again while I queued for essentials for illustration toilet roll.

On 1 of nan galore days that melted into nan next, I retrieve going to nan Tesco superstore information nan area wherever nan queue was retired nan doorway and you had to travel social-distancing rules, 2 metres betwixt each shopper, done each aisle of nan shop arsenic you gathered what you needed. I slow snaked that full supermarket, not picking up a thing, until I sewage to nan drinks aisle. I wasn’t drinking myself into oblivion but for personification who usually didn’t touch it astatine all, it felt excessively overmuch and wholly retired of hand.

I’d ne'er drunk for illustration that successful my life, but for now it was nan cleanable measurement of numbing, of not feeling, and that, I decided, was what I needed supra each else.

Meanwhile, I was piling connected pounds and annihilating my fitness, and that aged body-consciousness astir being large and bulky was backmost pinch an angry vengeance, truthful I stopped eating arsenic much. Relying connected junk nutrient wasn’t making maine happy anyway, truthful alternatively I underfed myself, which was conscionable arsenic destructive. I told myself I was experimenting pinch fuel, moving retired what my assemblage needed, but that was nonsense. Not eating was besides getting maine drunk and truthful numbing my feelings quicker. For 2 weeks consecutive I ate thing but soup, drank Echo Falls astatine night, and continued trashing my assemblage and my self-confidence.

I had withdrawn into a protector of myself – and past go personification I didn’t recognise astatine all.

Mary Earps backmost successful action for Manchester United against Chelsea erstwhile nan WSL returned aft lockdown. Photograph: Ash Donelon/Manchester United/Getty Images

None of my behaviour was conscious. If it had been, I’d person been horrified by what I was doing to myself. And what I was doing to my friends and family, who must person been worried. With hindsight, I don’t judge myself astatine each for trying to get done successful nan measurement that I did, I was conscionable putting 1 ft successful beforehand of nan different truthful I didn’t springiness up and springiness successful entirely. What I tin spot now is that I was astir apt struggling pinch slump aliases anxiety, possibly both. In nan midst of those things it becomes difficult to contextualise things, arsenic overmuch arsenic you try. I understood nan gravity of what was happening successful nan world astir maine but I couldn’t disregard what I was feeling. I simply didn’t person capable clarity to spot each of it.

Football had ever fixed maine a purpose. It was nan logic I’d been put connected this planet. My full personality was arsenic an jock and my only purpose had been to beryllium nan champion goalkeeper successful nan world. Now I wasn’t judge if I had thing near to activity towards and weeks of solitude had fixed maine each nan abstraction I needed, aliases dreaded, to mobility what it was that I’d committed my life to: this pursuit, this game, a profession that didn’t look capable to springiness maine thing backmost anymore.

Without football, I realised I didn’t fearfulness thing immoderate longer. Nothing. Not moreover death. It sounds unusual to opportunity that now, particularly erstwhile decease was specified a existent threat past for truthful galore group fighting for their lives. But to maine astatine nan clip I felt if I wasn’t going to execute what I was meant to execute past what was location near to beryllium acrophobic of? I mislaid nan will to conflict and, successful immoderate of those moments, I mislaid nan will and nan desire to live. For nan first clip successful my life, I wondered if location was immoderate constituent successful maine being present immoderate longer. I don’t judge I was ever going to extremity it each but I thought, excessively galore times, astir really I could.

Mary Earps: All In tells nan goalkeeper’s singular communicative successful her ain words.

In nan UK and Ireland, Samaritans tin beryllium contacted connected 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org aliases jo@samaritans.ie. In nan US, nan National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, nan situation support work Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other world helplines tin beryllium recovered astatine befrienders.org.

This is an edited extract from Mary Earps: All In by Mary Earps (Bonnier Books, £22). To support nan Guardian, bid your transcript astatine guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges whitethorn apply.