‘i Wanted Alcohol To Take Me To A Place Where I Was Not’: Comedian John Robins On The Moment He Realised He Had A Drinking Problem

The comedian John Robins has ever loved talking astir booze. In his standup, he utilized to represent himself arsenic a note viveur who knew really to springiness himself nan champion of times; a larky drinker retired for a laugh; a nerdy tippler who recorded nights retired successful Sherlock Holmes-themed notepads – presence time, drinks consumed, percentages of alcohol, pub atmosphere. He besides had a regular astir contracting gout, moreover though he ne'er has done successful existent life.

On nan radio, he hosted a show pinch his friend Elis James successful which they meticulously elaborate pub crawls and coined nan building “Keep it session”, encouraging listeners to instrumentality to low-alcohol brew erstwhile retired for nan full evening. If anybody was successful uncertainty astir his emotion of booze, Robins past devised a podcast bid called The Moon Under Water, named aft George Orwell’s 1946 effort describing nan cleanable pub. In it, Robins and his co-host Robin Allender invited guests to creation their dream watering hole. Yet, contempt dedicating truthful overmuch clip to nan chat of booze, Robins could ne'er find nan correct connection to picture his narration pinch it. Then successful 2023 he yet discovered it: alcoholic.

He revealed this successful different podcast bid he co-presented pinch James called How Do You Cope?, successful which they invited guests to talk astir really they had sewage done life’s toughest trials. Not only did it look that Robins had been diagnosed arsenic an alcoholic, it besides transpired that nan Oxford-educated, Edinburgh drama award-winning, Taskmaster-triumphing occurrence communicative had never been capable to cope.

After touring pinch Howl, a standup show astir his addiction, he has now written a book astir it. The title could not beryllium much blunt – Thirst. The patient initially wanted to spell pinch nan subtitle alone; Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life is sexier, jollier and much marketable. But Thirst is infinitely much powerful. And it is Thirst that gets to nan bosom of Robins’s narration pinch alcohol. Throughout his life, it’s been a craving.

The book’s screen is arsenic blunt arsenic nan title. It features a gorgeous blond curly-haired small boy, some hands clenching a tin of lager, nan contents of which he appears to beryllium pouring down his throat. And this, successful 1 shocking image, is nan communicative of Robins’s life.

We meet astatine his location successful Buckinghamshire, which is surrounded by shot and cricket pitches, and small else. There are nary roaring cars, nary hum of activity, not truthful overmuch arsenic hushed conversation. Just blissful soundlessness and birdsong. Though he has lived present for 10 years, you consciousness nan bid is an important portion of his rehabilitation.

His mini cottage is crammed pinch worldly – tributes to his leader Freddie Mercury, awards, play clubs, poesy books and improbable knick-knacks. Perhaps nan astir improbable is simply a doll of himself, a keepsake from his stint connected Taskmaster successful 2024. It’s each magnificently ordered. He’s wearing a Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy T-shirt (another hero) and a Dark Star Brewing cap. I opportunity I’m amazed astatine nan headdress – tons of recovering alcoholics would propulsion reminders of booze successful nan bin. He smiles. “I know. This is simply a flimsy problem.”

Then he stops, and changes his mind. “No, nan headdress isn’t nan issue. I person to beryllium successful a world pinch intoxicant successful it, and I tin make that really difficult aliases I tin make that arsenic easy arsenic it’s ever going to be. I could move to a barren region successful America if I wanted to. But it would beryllium an tremendous arse ache and it would ruin my life. I could spell done nan location and region each reference to booze and each photograph of maine drinking, but I don’t cognize that would help. So whether I deterioration nan headdress is neither present nor there. I tin obsess astir intoxicant not wearing nan cap.” He laughs. “And besides, it’s nan only headdress I’ve sewage that really fits my head.”

Like galore standups, Robins is simply a small manic connected stage. Stories are told successful an exaggerated manner, his sound rises successful transportation and nan transportation becomes turbo-charged, high-anxiety bordering connected nan panic (in some senses). In person, he couldn’t beryllium much different – calm, gentle, a bully listener. He speaks quietly, precisely, each thought measured retired by nan teaspoon. Even now, he is still moving retired precisely what his narration to intoxicant was – why he needed it, what it did for him, really it almost destroyed him. For astir of his life, he assumed he sewage much retired of intoxicant than intoxicant took from him. Now he knows it was ever nan different measurement round.

Robins first came crossed booze erstwhile he was 5 aliases six astatine a family ceremony erstwhile nan grownups were drinking champagne. He noticed it made them relaxed, begged for a sip, past pretended he was drunk. His adjacent encounter, now aged seven, was much significant. At nan clip it seemed truthful innocent. Now he looks backmost and says moreover past he showed each nan signs of an alcoholic. The adults were drinking a vessel of Jacob’s Creek, which was kept successful nan kitchen. He pretended he was going to nan loo, sneaked disconnected there, poured himself immoderate vino disguised successful orangish juice. Sure capable he was caught by his mother, and nan adults made a joke of it.

“Some group would go, ‘He’s seven! He’s not an alcoholic, he’s seven!’ But I cognize that aforesaid obsession he had, which he wasn’t alert of, is nan aforesaid obsession I person now.” Wasn’t it much that nan young Robins knew it was forbidden than that it was alcohol? He shakes his head. “No. It was ever different to everything else. I didn’t consciousness for illustration that astir nutrient aliases moreover sweets, and I’ve ne'er really been tempted by drugs. There’s thing astir alcohol.” From past on, he says, he was fixated.

With his feline earlier leaving for Scout camp, aged 13. Photograph: courtesy of John Robins

By nan property of 12, he’d convinced his mother to bargain him a tin of Woodpecker cider each Friday nighttime to spell pinch his food and chips. At 13, he went to Scout campy and each he could deliberation of was really to cajole nan leaders into giving him a mini vessel of beer. At 14, he performed successful nan schoolhouse play and sewage drunk astatine nan after-show statement connected 4 cans of Strongbow cider, 4 bottles of brew and a vessel of Archers Peach Schnapps, nan balanced of 14 pints. He past sprayed aftershave into his rima for bully measure. When he woke up nan adjacent time astatine nan parental location of his first girlfriend, he was told he had puked successful his slumber and had to beryllium put into nan betterment position to extremity him choking connected his vomit. And connected it went.

Apart from nan drink, he was a exemplary schoolboy increasing up successful Bristol – academic, swotty, well-behaved, likeable. Even though his begetter near nan family erstwhile he was six, he sewage connected pinch life. At 13, he and his mother moved successful pinch his grumpy stepfather, a recovering alcoholic pinch whom he struggled to onslaught up a rapport, and still he sewage connected pinch life. At Oxford University, he studied English and drank and drank and drank – thing and everything isolated from whisky, which he has an aversion to. He collected quiet bottles for illustration warfare trophies. In 2016, now successful his early 30s and an established comic, he had amassed 70 quiet bottles of Captain Morgan Dark Rum successful his rented flat.

He attended almost each societal juncture going, but he was seldom coming because each his attraction was dedicated to his drinking routine. “My attraction was, ‘What booze person they got? Why are group not getting different information in? I’ve vanished my drink; ohio God, he’s specified a slow drinker.’ All this madness. If location was a day statement successful a pub that didn’t person nan correct drink, I’d opportunity to my friends, ‘D’you want to spell to that pub adjacent door? It’s really better.’ That self-importance, that controlling ‘This needs to spell nan measurement I want it to spell connected personification else’s birthday’, it’s exhausting.”

It must person been horrible for your friends, too, I say. “Exactly. Friends would say, ‘We conscionable ever do what you want.’” Does that fuss him? “Erm … ” He thinks astir it. Robins, aged 43, has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous since he stopped drinking. Now he says he has a toolkit to woody not conscionable pinch his desire for portion but besides his past behaviour. “My first guidance is, ‘God that’s truthful embarrassing. You’re an atrocious person.’ But past nan toolkit kicks in. Take a breath, it’s OK, you cognize why that was happening, you’ve apologised, it’s OK.’ That’s what I’ve sewage successful my caput because nan threat is you go, ‘Fuck you, you’re awful, you’ve ever been a portion of shit, really tin you dainty your friends for illustration that? You mightiness arsenic good person a portion correct now.’”

What did he deliberation erstwhile friends told him it ever had to beryllium his measurement erstwhile he was drinking? “There’s a building that I heard early successful sobriety which is ‘The portion of crap astatine nan centre of nan universe’. And it’s specified a bully explanation of me. Of who I was. So erstwhile I heard that personification going, ‘Why do we ever person to do what you want?’, 2 things were happening. I was going, ‘Fucking hell, John, you’re awful, really tin you beryllium for illustration this?’ and nan different portion was going, ‘Yeah, but it’s a amended pub.’”

It’s funny, I opportunity – successful nan book you picture yourself arsenic truthful meek, you’ve ne'er had a due argument, yet your behaviour became truthful controlling. “I deliberation intoxicant made maine controlling. That’s not to blasted alcohol. It was maine who was being controlling. But erstwhile your attraction is connected getting nan point you request to survive, you’re going to do immoderate unpleasant worldly to get there. I’m fortunate that, done condition – privilege, support, friends – I wasn’t doing atrocious stuff, I wasn’t stealing.” Again he comes to a abrupt stop. “Actually that’s not true. I’ve stolen truthful overmuch booze successful my life. But I wasn’t violent. I could beryllium controlling, inflexible and a symptom successful nan arse, but I was doing my best. If my friends were here, they’d say, ‘You’re fine, chill out, don’t beryllium truthful difficult connected yourself.’”

There were times he stopped drinking. At nan property of 22, he went teetotal for 18 months and started doing standup comedy. He realised he didn’t request intoxicant to guidelines connected a stage. Robins says he has ne'er done a gig drunk; that he owes it to his assemblage to beryllium sober while they’re retired having a bully time. For astir of his master life, his reward has been getting smashed erstwhile he gets home. Eighteen months aft giving up, he thought he’d proved to himself that he could do without alcohol, truthful he started drinking again. Heavily, of course. By nan property of 29, he thought he was overdoing it, truthful he stopped again. This clip he struggled, and 10 months later he was backmost connected nan booze. For nan adjacent decade until he was 40, he drank excessively.

On shape successful 2017

In nan book, Robins asks himself what he wanted from booze. Sometimes it sounds mystical, occasionally romantic, often desperate. “I wanted intoxicant to return maine to a spot wherever I was not. I retrieve texting a friend and saying I want to get to a spot wherever only nan euphony exists, truthful I’m conscionable receiving it. And possibly conscionable for a mates of seconds I get into this headspace wherever I deliberation I’m not here, I’m conscionable proceeding this song. That’s what made intoxicant truthful powerful for me. It was nan closest I could get to transcendence. Also it was state from my thoughts, nan changeless prose successful my caput – criticism, shame, anger. I could constitute you a database arsenic agelong arsenic you like.”

What did he consciousness ashamed of? Robins says he doesn’t know. It wasn’t for illustration guilt, rooted successful nan specific. He knows he ever wanted a begetter figure, and location wasn’t 1 location for him. Hence his obsession pinch Freddie Mercury, Ayrton Senna, Roald Dahl and different improbable men who could ne'er present for him (not slightest because they each died erstwhile he was young). And he knows he felt inadequate and was waiting to beryllium exposed, though he didn’t cognize why aliases what for. “Shame is conscionable a very heavy emotion that location is thing incorrect pinch you. And I couldn’t show you why I consciousness that, aliases utilized to consciousness that very acutely.”

It’s specified a sad, draining emotion, I say, not slightest erstwhile you person thing to beryllium ashamed of. “Someone erstwhile said to maine astir #MeToo that nan incorrect men are worried.” He laughs. “And what connects nan worst men successful my manufacture is they do not springiness this a second’s thought. They person nary guilt, nary shame, nary regret.” Should they have? “Yes! They should person each excavation for a start!” For what? “For intersexual battle for a start.” He could beryllium referring to allegations against a number of antheral comedians, including Russell Brand, Louis CK, Chris D’Elia.

I’ve met my stock of nasty fucked-up comedians who you wouldn’t want to walk a 2nd with, I say, but you look for illustration a bully fuck-up and bully company. “Thank you. You should person sat present 4 years ago. I would person been drinking and I don’t deliberation you would person thought, he’s a feline I want to walk clip with.” Why not? “First, I wouldn’t person wanted you here; a alien successful my location would person freaked maine out.” Would he person wanted galore group here? “If they were drinking successful nan measurement I was, yeah. I would person loved thing much than to person a adjacent friend present for hours conscionable talking and drinking and listening to music.”

Robins says nan past fewer years of his drinking were nan astir self-deluding. He had convinced himself he wasn’t an alcoholic, conscionable personification who could do pinch cutting down. So he had 2 sober days a week, drank low-proof intoxicant and became a self-righteous percent bore. These were nan days erstwhile he told each his listeners to “keep it session”, for illustration nan precocious leader of sobriety.

“I’d person 2 days disconnected a week and person brew that was 4% not 5% and vino that was 8% not 12%. I told myself I was successful power of my drinking. Not realising that if you portion 2 bottles of riesling and 4 cans of weaker brew each night, what is that? That’s an alcoholic. Just an alcoholic who’s drinking somewhat weaker wine. I was drinking till I stumbled up to furniture and passed out. But successful nan madness of it, I’m thinking, ‘You’ve recovered nan 3rd way.’ And erstwhile 2 days disconnected became 3 days disconnected a week, well, now it’s plain sailing. But each nan clip I’m harder institution to beryllium astir erstwhile I’m not drinking because I’m obsessing astir tomorrow.”

At his lowest, he says, he trim a pathetic figure. He would beryllium astatine location watching repeats of 1980s Keith Floyd cooking shows, making nan nutrient Floyd was making and drinking nan portion he was drinking. “It’s so sad. ‘What are you doing tonight?’ I’m having a small statement pinch Keith Floyd from nan 80s who died an alcoholic.’”

At location pinch his Taskmaster doll. Photograph: Pål Hansen/The Guardian

Even then, it took a number of factors to clang into each different earlier he could judge that he was an alcoholic. In 2020, he visited his GP pinch a operation of anxiety, accelerated weight nonaccomplishment and a heartbeat “like a marching band”. The GP told him, “I’ve had galore patients that portion for illustration you. I’ve buried astir of them. Some make 70, astir dice successful their 50s and 60s, immoderate successful their 40s. Having nan overseas nighttime disconnected is irrelevant erstwhile you’re drinking arsenic overmuch arsenic you do. You request to benignant your fucking life out.” Still, he took nary heed. Two years later yet different narration failed. There had been truthful galore (including 1 pinch chap comedian Sara Pascoe, pinch whom he bought nan cottage we’re successful today), but this was nan worst. He was engaged to manner designer Coco Fennell and was convinced she was “the one”. The divided collapsed his heart, and he cracked up. In autumn 2022, he met up pinch his adjacent friend (and different chap comedian) Lou Sanders. He told her, “I want to die. I want intoxicant to beryllium nan point that kills me. I’m going to portion myself to death.” She held his hand, they cried and she told him he was an alcoholic and needed help.

It yet registered. “I’d ever thought alcoholics were group who drank each nan time, who didn’t resist, who conscionable ruined each statement because they were drunk erstwhile they turned up. But now, pinch nan effort I’d expended planning, concealing, executing my plans, I was conscionable worn out. Just completely worn out.”

Robins past drank intoxicant connected Sunday 6 November 2022. In nan book, he counts nan number of days he has been sober. I inquire if he’s still counting. No, he says, he can’t spend to because that measurement you extremity up counting distant your life. Does not drinking get easier? He thinks. “It gets difficult little often.” That makes much consciousness to him than saying easier. “I person truthful galore much ways to woody pinch thoughts of intoxicant that I didn’t person nan time aft I stopped drinking, aliases six months aliases a twelvemonth after. And I request to tie connected them little often, but I’m still very caller to surviving without alcohol, and emotion without alcohol, and succeeding and failing, being unsocial and being pinch group without alcohol. It’s each new, successful a sense. So if I’m going to bask immoderate of that, it can’t beryllium really galore days has it been. It can’t beryllium for illustration that.”

There person been truthful galore struggles, he says. When he stopped, he was terrified of nights because he was truthful utilized to drinking himself to sleep. Then location was learning to header pinch societal occasions, seeing different group drink, adapting to a caller measurement of experiencing nan world undulled by alcohol.

For now, he says, he can’t do standup. “At nan infinitesimal I cannot moreover deliberation astir it. I deliberation it’s related to not drinking; to not having my reward for going done it. I did a circuit sober of my show Howl and recovered that very, very difficult.” He believes Howl is his champion show, but he sewage to a constituent wherever he simply couldn’t execute it. What does a standup comedian do erstwhile he tin nary longer do standup? “I tin do gigs wherever I’m conscionable compering and there’s little pressure, but I still dread those.” Fortunately, he says, he’s now doing 3 podcasts a week truthful there’s plentifulness to support him active.

And past there’s his struggle pinch relationships: “They are nan astir difficult portion of sobriety.” Beforehand, he says, erstwhile location were tensions, he could suffer himself successful drink. “Taking distant my coping system is difficult for me, and that’s fine. But erstwhile it’s difficult for 2 people, that’s conscionable not fair. I don’t want to origin anybody immoderate pain.” You’re talking arsenic if you’re resigned to being azygous from now on, I say. “Yeah.” Are you happier by yourself? “Yeah.” Do you deliberation this is impermanent aliases permanent? “I don’t know. I don’t need to know. I’ve lived present alone, barroom a mates of months, for 10 years.” Did you origin partners a batch of pain? “I’ve ne'er done immoderate of nan things you mightiness ideate group do to origin symptom successful relationships.” You mean violence? “Yes, aliases infidelity. No screaming and shouting.” But he knows he has caused pain, and he doesn’t want to do that immoderate more.

There person been awesome triumphs successful sobriety, though. His friends show him he is truthful overmuch much present, truthful overmuch much thoughtful. His worry and self-loathing person diminished. “Since I stopped drinking, I nary longer consciousness shame arsenic a baseline emotion, and intoxicant conscionable creates it retired of nowhere. Anyone who’s been hungover knows that feeling. I had therapy earlier you arrived, and I was talking astir really a serene encephalon is disposable to maine whenever I want it. I can’t show you what a gift that is compared pinch what it’s for illustration drinking each nan time.”

Fans now attack him and talk astir really he has made them look astatine booze differently. Beforehand, they would show him really overmuch they loved to portion and talk favourite pubs. “There are group who person sewage sober and they opportunity they began that process because of me. And that’s great,” he says.

I inquire astir nan book’s subtitle, Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life. What was his favourite tipple? He couldn’t say, and is nary longer interested, but he knows what his favourite portion is now. “I’ll show you what my godforsaken land portion would be. Bird & Blend Buttermint Tea. It smells for illustration Werther’s Originals and tastes for illustration food and Murray Mints.” He closes his eyes and describes it pinch a yearning that borders connected nan indecent. Then he laughs. “If I’d said that to myself betwixt nan ages of 18 and 40, I would person spat successful my ain face.”

As for nan evenings, he positively relishes them. “8pm-10pm it’s herbal tea, ambient music, crosswords, silly iPhone games. It’s nan champion portion of my day. I ne'er saw that coming.”

The different nighttime he went to a party. He was 1 of nan first location and 1 of nan first to leave, and he had a awesome time. “So successful my caput I tin either go, ‘Fucking hell, you’re boring, you near a statement astatine 7.45pm, everyone other is getting pissed, you’re successful furniture astatine 9.45pm’ and that’s true. Or I tin go, ‘You sewage to speak to your friend, you were location for nan champion bit, erstwhile you could perceive group talking, you met this personification who’s really interesting, you said goodbye. You nailed it!’”