Even When Unthinkable Things Were Happening To Me, My First Instinct Was To Work. Am I Addicted?

Have you ever heard a connection that jolts you to attention? That word, for me, was “workaholism” – and erstwhile I heard it done my headphones earlier this year, listening to an audiobook connected nan tube, I felt a pang of thing betwixt nickname and panic. It transported maine backmost to nan worst clip successful my life.

In May 2016, erstwhile I was astir 5 months pregnant, I travelled to agrarian Norway to make a short documentary for nan Guardian. The Norwegian authorities was making asylum seekers – from mostly Muslim countries – return taste acquisition classes astir women’s rights. I’d been invited to a people successful Moi, a municipality by a reservoir framed pinch conifer trees, 100km southbound of Stavanger.

My gestation hadn’t been easy. I’d bled heavy astatine 9 weeks, aft coming disconnected group connected Sky News. It was nan early hours of Good Friday, and I had to hold 4 agonising days to beryllium scanned and yet told everything looked fine. Then nan regular 12-week screening gave my babe a 1 successful 2 chance of being calved pinch Down’s syndrome. A 20cm needle was inserted into my belly to cheque his chromosomes; while I waited for nan results, I buried myself successful work, signaling thing for BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour. It turned retired my babe didn’t person Down’s, aliases immoderate different chromosomal abnormality, but I was told I should spell to Great Ormond Street infirmary to person his bosom checked. By 19 weeks, my gestation was officially declared normal. I bought immoderate maternity T-shirts to screen my now unavoidable bump, and sewage connected nan level to Norway.

On nan greeting of nan class, I woke up acold excessively early. The infinitesimal I opened my eyes, I knew thing was wrong. My pharynx was tight and salty; I was astir to propulsion up, but it didn’t consciousness for illustration greeting sickness. A searing symptom was radiating from my correct side, truthful crisp it near maine breathless, but it wasn’t nan dull ache of cramps that would make maine interest for my baby. Maybe past night’s meal didn’t work together pinch me? I took a paracetamol and tried to get backmost to sleep.

I hadn’t told immoderate of my editors really analyzable my gestation had been. As a freelancer, I had an ingrained consciousness of ever having to look hyper-employable and, arsenic a woman, I didn’t want anyone to deliberation gestation mightiness impact my expertise to do my job. At least, that’s what I told myself. The truth was, I didn’t want anyone to show maine I shouldn’t beryllium moving truthful hard.

But now I couldn’t get retired of bed. I rang Tom, nan benignant and superb video journalist moving pinch me, to show him I wasn’t going to subordinate him for breakfast. He was worried. He sewage maine an emergency assignment pinch nan section expert who said, “I deliberation you person appendicitis” aft I buckled successful agony erstwhile she pressed connected my side. She said my appendix mightiness rupture and I should spell to hospital. Don’t beryllium ridiculous, I thought. What were nan chances of maine having that now, aft truthful galore weeks of bad luck? And what would immoderate agrarian GP cognize anyway? Appendicitis is expected to beryllium agony. This was bearable.

The people was owed to commencement successful an hour. The paracetamol seemed to beryllium doing its job. Let’s commencement filming, I said to Tom, and if I consciousness bad again, I’ll spell to a infirmary and get everything checked out. He was reluctant, but I insisted.

We filmed for 8 hours that day, and for 3 hours nan pursuing greeting earlier our formation home. The 11-minute documentary we made is still connected nan Guardian website. I can’t bring myself to watch it.

On nan level home, pinch my forehead pressed connected nan cool integrative of nan tray array to detract from nan symptom successful my side, I realised this was serious. I sewage a cab from Heathrow nonstop to A&E astatine my section hospital, which sent maine upstairs to nan maternity ward. Obstetricians, surgeons, midwives and nurses appeared astatine my bedside pinch concerned faces. It mightiness good beryllium appendicitis, they said, but nan CT scan that could corroborate a test was retired of nan mobility because I was pregnant and nan radiation would harm my baby. I was put connected antibiotics and much paracetamol, and kept successful nether adjacent watch for a week. I spent my days sitting up successful furniture pinch my laptop, answering emails and moving connected an article.

Then, astatine 5am 1 morning, while my hubby was astatine location pinch our three-year-old son, I went into labour. My babe was wrapped up and fixed to maine to clasp and behold, but he had died while I was giving commencement to him. Apart from maine and the midwife, nary 1 other ever saw his tiny, cleanable face.

By 10am that aforesaid morning, I was backmost connected my phone, going done my activity emails. I’d been invited to chair a judging sheet connected immoderate documentary awards. I said yes. While I was being wheeled successful to person nan scan I was allowed to person now I was nary longer pregnant, I laic connected my backmost and emailed my editor to opportunity nan characteristic I was penning mightiness get a fewer days later than promised.

I near infirmary nan adjacent day, filled pinch stronger antibiotics. Two days later, I was backmost connected Sky News, doing my regular unrecorded slot. A fewer weeks aft that, I had my appendix taken out. And erstwhile I had different miscarriage a fewer months later, it was nan aforesaid drill: I was doing unrecorded tv wrong days of losing nan baby.

I went connected to person a daughter, now eight, 4 years younger than her relative – but I didn’t judge she was existent until I held her successful my arms. My gestation was 1 of changeless surveillance and achy interventions; losing a babe astatine 20 weeks had done imperishable harm to my cervix, and I was astatine consequence of going into early labour again. For 9 months, each clip I went to nan toilet, I expected to spot blood. I buried myself successful busyness, presenting a Panorama for BBC One, penning a book connection and – erstwhile I was signed disconnected arsenic safe to recreation – flying to Los Angeles to movie a study for Vice News on HBO erstwhile I was 32 weeks pregnant.

None of this was activity that had to beryllium done, aliases couldn’t beryllium cancelled, aliases moreover activity that mattered. But I couldn’t extremity myself from doing it. When unthinkable things were happening to me, my first small heart – a stark, profound, unavoidable impulse – was to work.

Nine years on, I americium haunted by really I chose to activity done nan astir unspeakable clip successful my life. I person ne'er lived done thing arsenic acheronian arsenic that again, but arsenic acold arsenic my cognition to my activity goes, I’m not judge really overmuch has changed. I worked 7 days a week for 2 years during nan pandemic, penning from Monday to Thursday and past getting up astatine 3.30am each Friday, Saturday and Sunday to coming a unrecorded meal power show from 6-10am (before coming location to effort to beryllium “fun mum” to my young kids). Today, I still activity each Saturday morning, respective evenings a week, during family holidays and done bouts of Covid and tonsillitis. All this is enabled by my very knowing hubby and kids, who cognize that I americium happiest erstwhile I’m working. I activity from home, truthful I’m still coming for them. Or truthful I show myself.

The video I made successful Norway has been doing nan rounds connected societal media (migrants, and their cognition to women, turns retired to beryllium an evergreen subject, particularly since nan protests extracurricular nan migrant edifice in Epping successful July). That intends I’ve been regularly confronted pinch nan worst point that ever happened to me. But I’ve begun to look astatine my contiguous consequence to it done caller eyes.

It was erstwhile I was listening to Ed Zwick’s memoir astir his life arsenic a Hollywood movie director, and heard him sombrely and many times usage nan connection “workaholism”, that I was stopped successful my tracks. Like truthful galore different people, I Googled it (searches connected nan taxable have surged since lockdown), and recovered location are now hundreds of chapters of Workaholics Anonymous each complete nan world, including 14 different meetings crossed nan UK, from Scotland to Bognor Regis to Liverpool.

Had I been reaching for activity successful nan aforesaid measurement that an alcoholic reaches for nan bottle? Was I utilizing it to numb symptom and flight reality for illustration a heroin addict? Could I really beryllium addicted to work?

“Many of us, erstwhile we first heard of workaholism arsenic an addiction, thought that it was immoderate benignant of joke,” sounds nan Workaholics Anonymous Book of Recovery. “Isn’t difficult activity really 1 succeeds?” The connection “workaholic” has been astir since nan 1940s, and it’s utilized casually – often positively – successful capitalist societies specified arsenic ours, wherever occupation titles, salaries and different markers of master occurrence tin beryllium seen arsenic a people successful nan crippled of life. Workaholism has yet to beryllium extensively studied aliases formally recognised by immoderate world body, but astir behavioural addiction specialists now work together it’s imaginable to go addicted to moving successful nan aforesaid measurement arsenic to different activities, specified arsenic gambling and gaming, that occurrence up our brains’ reward systems. A squad astatine nan University of Bergen wrote successful 2023 that nan “generally agreed upon” meaning of workaholism is “a compulsive and utmost request to work, characterised by an unrelenting thrust to activity hours connected end, return connected much activity work and prioritise activity complete different areas of life”. Around 10% of Americans are thought to beryllium activity addicts. The consequences tin beryllium serious: workaholics are more apt to beryllium anxious aliases depressed, to rely connected stimulant drugs from caffeine to cocaine and methamphetamine, and to be astatine consequence of slumber disorders and bosom disease.

Unlike gambling, gaming aliases activity addictions, there’s nary helpline to telephone for those who judge they are addicted to work. Workaholics Anonymous (WA) is beautiful overmuch nan only resource, and its website is nan spot wherever group for illustration maine statesman if they deliberation they mightiness person a problem.

Founded successful nan US successful 1983, WA applies nan 12-step attack pioneered successful Alcoholics Anonymous. “Workaholism involves some a constituent addiction (adrenaline and different accent hormones) and a process addiction (compulsive doing aliases not doing) and is not constricted to our paid activity life,” nan Book of Recovery continues. “Workaholism is not strictly astir nan magnitude of activity we do but alternatively astir our affectional and belief narration to activity and activity and really it tin negatively impact america and those astir us.”

There’s a page connected nan WA website entitled “Am I a Workaholic?” I formed my oculus down nan list of 20 questions, nodding successful nickname astatine galore of them (“Do you immerse yourself successful activities to alteration really you consciousness aliases debar grief, anxiety, and shame?”; “Do you return activity pinch you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?”) and shaking my caput astatine others (“Do you propulsion all-nighters?”; “Do you resent your activity aliases nan group astatine your workplace for imposing truthful galore pressures connected you?”).

I’m relieved that I tin only confidently opportunity yes to astir 12 of them. Then I get to nan bottommost of nan page. “If you answered ‘yes’ to 3 aliases much of these questions,” it reads, “you whitethorn beryllium a workaholic.”

The in-person WA chapters I attack don’t want me to travel to a gathering if I’m going to constitute astir it, but respective group who be regularly work together to show maine their stories. Jen helped group up nan City of London WA gathering a mates of years ago. “It’s successful nan religion down my office,” she says. “As a very focused workaholic, I knew I wouldn’t spell if I had to return nan tube.”

We meet successful a cafe successful southbound London connected a time erstwhile she’s connected yearly time off from her occupation successful finance banking. Jen has arrived early. There’s a neat pyramid of WA books arranged connected nan array successful beforehand of her. “I came prepared, for illustration a bully workaholic,” she says, drily.

It didn’t hap to Jen that she mightiness person a problematic narration pinch her activity until she went to rehab for constituent maltreatment successful December 2021. She’d been having regular three-day supplier and intoxicant binges, and her leader had begun to notice. He supported her travel to rehab for what she thought would beryllium a four-week stay. Jen arrived wished to reside her issues arsenic successfully and efficiently arsenic possible. “I explained that I understood that this was a 12-step programme rehab, truthful I could tackle 3 steps per week wrong nan 4 weeks. How could they thief maine successful achieving that?”

She soon realised that betterment was not a task that could beryllium checked disconnected a to-do list. Jen ended up spending 3 months successful rehab, during which she had to disengage from her occupation entirely. Giving up activity was overmuch harder than giving up narcotics and alcohol, she says. “I hadn’t ever stopped for illustration that before. I was incapable of being successful nan present.” Work, she discovered, was her “primary addiction”.

‘I emotion what I do, and I do it retired of passion.’ Photograph: Suki Dhanda/The Guardian

Before nan pandemic, Jen’s emblematic time successful nan agency would statesman astatine 7.45am. “I’d consciousness bad if I hadn’t done 12 hours and seldom took a luncheon break. I’d play games pinch myself: I wouldn’t fto myself spell to nan bathroom, aliases eat, aliases make myself a cup of coffee, if I hadn’t done X task.” With her world role, Jen could ever beryllium useful – moving pinch Asian markets successful nan morning, Europe during nan time and nan US successful nan evening. It wasn’t a mobility of wanting to beryllium seen to beryllium moving hard, she assures me; she was wished to make it look easy. “That was nan brand: springiness it to Jen and it will get done.”

When lockdown came and Jen was moving from home, things sewage moreover much intense. She would activity until 10 astatine night, falling dormant pinch her email. In April 2021 she was made managing head – a position she’d been aiming for her full master life – but alternatively of being capable to exhale, she felt she had to activity moreover harder. “No 1 personification successful nan organisation knew everything I was doing.” Hoarding activity and doing it without anyone knowing sounds for illustration alcoholics stashing bottles to portion successful secret, I say. “It was exactly for illustration that.”

Jen describes her workaholism arsenic a beingness addiction. “It’s nan soul drugstore – adrenaline, cortisol, I’m judge location are galore others – but it’s fundamentally creating this stressful, conflict aliases formation authorities of being.” I tin subordinate to this – it was nan adrenaline of being unrecorded connected tv that I craved only days aft losing my babies. It made maine consciousness live and invincible. But a dependence connected accent hormones tin beryllium dangerous, Jen says. “You don’t person to eat aliases sleep, because you are successful endurance mode.” Jen could move disconnected only by drowning herself successful intoxicant and drugs. “I wanted to portion my caput disconnected and return my encephalon retired and put it successful a vessel of h2o to cool down.”

She’s traced nan roots of this behaviour to her childhood. After her parents separated erstwhile she was two, Jen, her mother and her younger sister ended up homeless, surviving successful a lodging earlier yet moving to assembly housing. Her mother studied for a PhD, and instilled successful Jen nan thought that occurrence meant world achievement. Meanwhile, her begetter remarried and had 3 much children; he lived successful large houses and drove accelerated cars. “He had this very flashy life I besides wanted. How could I win successful some of those ways, and really could I financially support my mum and sister?”

Amid each this, Jen endured years of intersexual abuse. “I said retired astir it erstwhile I was 11 aliases 12, and past we had a tribunal lawsuit to spell through. Unfortunately, he wasn’t convicted. I’d almost opportunity nan justness process was much traumatic than nan maltreatment itself.” Then her mother sewage cancer. Jen coped, she tells me, by dissociating pinch schoolwork. She would complete successful a azygous evening maths books that were expected to past her an full term. She won a danasiwa to a backstage school, secured nan lead successful nan schoolhouse play, a spot successful nan orchestra, nan choir, nan sports teams, a spot astatine Cambridge University, and past her highly competitory job.

After leaving rehab for constituent abuse, Jen had a phased return to work, but she still recovered herself looking for tasks to hoard. If her activity emails had been attended to, she would deliberation astir penning her will, putting reminders successful her diary for erstwhile her MOT was due, “life goals, friendships you request to build, aspirations. You mightiness person achieved things astatine work, but you haven’t sewage a kid, you haven’t sewage a home.” She raced done nan 12 steps for her supplier addiction successful 9 months, and past recovered herself volunteering to chair meetings, taking connected each domiciled and work going pinch nan fellowship. She was exhausted, but incapable to extremity herself. “That’s erstwhile I started looking into Workaholics Anonymous.”

“I’ve had 4 miscarriages and I was doing emails successful nan infirmary each time,” Sarah tells maine successful a video call. “I’ve had family members acquisition sudden, terrible illness, and I’d beryllium popping retired to nan loo truthful I could look astatine my emails while I was pinch them successful hospital.” She shrugs. “It’s a measurement of avoiding emotion.”

Sarah isn’t her existent sanction – she wants to beryllium moreover much anonymous than nan first-name ground of WA, because she doesn’t want her activity colleagues to recognise her. She’s happy for maine to opportunity that she’s successful her 50s, useful successful consulting, has 2 school-aged kids and separated from their begetter 3 years ago.

“I didn’t moreover recognise nan behaviour, fto unsocial nan word, until my narration collapsed down,” she tells me. Her ex accused her of being workaholic; nan connection jolted her, for illustration it did me, but Sarah didn’t conflict it. Then, past year, she heard nan playwright James Graham talking astir going to WA meetings connected an episode of Desert Island Discs. Graham had been getting up astatine 5am to work, and lying to friends and family astir his moving hours; he would spell for full days without eating because he couldn’t extremity working. “I thought, goodness, I’ve sewage rather a batch successful communal pinch that.”

In nan tallness of summer, Sarah would find herself pouring pinch sweat successful her location office, not crossing nan room to move connected nan instrumentality aliases going to fetch herself a portion of water, because it would return her distant from her desk. “I americium frightened of having thing to do,” Sarah says. If a abstraction successful her schedule appears for immoderate reason, her mind “turns successful connected itself” and she feels hopeless.

“I do return leave, because I’ve sewage children, truthful I person to,” she says, bluntly. On holiday, Sarah blocks retired clip to give to her kids, deliberately scheduling activities specified arsenic swimming that request she time off her telephone behind. “But that feels scary,” she tells me.

Sarah’s domiciled arsenic a advisor intends her clip is recorded truthful it tin beryllium billed to clients successful units of six minutes. This gamifies her job: each moving time comes pinch a score, which tin beryllium bettered tomorrow. “It’s exciting to get to nan target, to spot it spell green,” she says, pinch sparkling eyes. “That’s a large portion of wherever my self-esteem comes from. But past it resets each day, week, month.”

This sounds for illustration a dystopian capitalist nightmare to me, and thing for illustration nan measurement I work. I emotion what I do, and I do it retired of passion, not to fulfil clip targets. But Sarah insists she loves her job, too. The problem isn’t nan activity itself, she says, it’s really she has travel to trust connected it for her basal functioning. “I virtually don’t cognize what I would do pinch my time if I didn’t work.”

Sarah’s first WA meeting, successful February, felt for illustration “a large relief”, she says. “People travel to it for different reasons, but person 1 communal purpose: to effort to extremity moving obsessively. With alcohol, nan extremity is to stop drinking – but astir group can’t springiness up working, truthful you person to find a measurement of doing it without being truthful obsessive astir it.”

What does sobriety look for illustration for a workaholic? “It’s a very akin attack successful Overeaters Anonymous, successful nan consciousness that you can’t abstain from food,” Jen explains. “In WA we talk astir apical and bottommost lines – thresholds of affirmative and antagonistic behaviours. Your bottommost statement could beryllium not moving a 70-hour week. For immoderate group it’s not nan hours worked – it could beryllium nan magnitude of joyousness you’ve experienced.”

Jen has been attending meetings since March 2023. She goes erstwhile a week. “It is for illustration nan films,” she says, pinch a knowing smile. “My name’s Jen and I’m a workaholic.”

Once Jen began listening to nan different group successful nan meetings, she saw a early wherever it was imaginable some to activity and to beryllium coming and peaceful. Jen nary longer useful astatine nan weekend, aliases connected holiday. After reasoning astir each nan things that matter to her beyond her job, she recovered a sperm philanthropist and had embryos created and frozen. “I was capable to do each of that because I’d freed up this space.”

I show her really uneasy I consciousness astir nan truth that I person worked done nan worst times successful my life. “It’s very quality to want to flight from thing really painful. The grade to which immoderate you are utilizing to flight is past much powerful and controls you – I deliberation that’s astir apt what needs looking at,” Jen replies. “The champion measurement to find retired is to spell to a meeting.”

But I don’t want to spell to a meeting, I say, because I americium frightened of what I mightiness find out. My activity brings maine unthinkable joyousness arsenic good arsenic adrenaline. I don’t want to find retired I request to alteration my cognition to it, moreover though I recognise that I person utilized it successful a pathological way.

Jen looks maine successful nan eyes. “I deliberation if you’re frightened of going to a meeting, that’s much logic to spell to one.”

Mark Griffiths is 1 of nan fewer world researchers to person written extensively on activity addiction. He is an emeritus professor astatine Nottingham Trent University, having specialised successful behavioural addictions for 38 years earlier retiring this summer. I constitute him an email (on a Saturday, scheduling it to get during moving hours) and to my astonishment he replies wrong minutes of my connection landing successful his inbox, moreover though he’s not expected to beryllium moving immoderate more.

“I’ve been a workaholic astir of my big life. Even now, successful my retirement, I’m still moving measurement excessively galore hours a week, because I conscionable love it,” he tells me, almost immediately. While everyone other I’ve spoken to seems to usage nan words “workaholism” and “work addiction” interchangeably, Griffiths draws a favoritism betwixt them. “I’ve written a fewer papers trying to disaggregate nan two. Healthy enthusiasms adhd to life, and addictions return distant from it. There is nary conflict successful my life arsenic a consequence of nan truth that I activity and person worked very difficult for decades. So I americium not addicted to work.”

Conflict is nan cardinal constituent of immoderate addiction, Griffiths argues, beryllium it to gambling, sex, exercise, work, intoxicant aliases drugs. The magnitude of clip you walk doing thing doesn’t successful itself make you an addict. “For me, a activity addict is personification for whom activity has wholly taken complete their life. They do it to nan neglect of everything else, including their partner, their children, different hobbies, friendships. Very fewer group are genuinely addicted to work.”

Griffiths vanished his PhD and became a teacher astatine 23; backmost past he would activity 12 hours a day, almost each day. “I sewage promoted very quickly and travelled nan world. Everything was conscionable great.” When he had children, he trim his moving hours down, but he and his partner would some get their laptops retired erstwhile their kids were successful furniture to transportation connected working. He worked arsenic overmuch arsenic he could, but it didn’t person a detrimental effect connected his life. This is workaholism, alternatively than activity addiction, according to nan favoritism Griffiths draws, but location isn’t really an charismatic sanction for this benignant of behaviour; nan captious point is, activity makes him consciousness fulfilled without causing harm aliases conflict successful his life.

Mood modification (doing thing successful bid to execute a buzz aliases high, aliases numbing and escape) and salience (when that point becomes nan astir important activity successful a person’s life) are 2 different cardinal components of addiction, Griffiths continues, but these elements successful themselves don’t make you an addict. “I’ve sewage awesome wellness problems and work, for me, is nan champion analgesic successful nan world. I’m successful perfectly nary symptom erstwhile I’m working. Mood modification successful and of itself is not negative.”

When I perceive this, I americium flooded pinch relief. I show him my individual reasons for wanting to understand activity addiction, and really I person been wrestling pinch nan idea, because I don’t want to change. And past Griffiths tells maine his story. Five years ago, he had awesome spinal surgery. “It near maine permanently incapable to walk. I americium successful a wheelchair now,” he says; I hadn’t been capable to show this from nan measurement his camera was group up connected our call. Griffiths spent 4 days successful intensive attraction and 3 months successful infirmary successful total; it was during nan tallness of Covid lockdown, and for nan first 42 days he had nary visitors.

“As soon arsenic I went connected to nan wide ward, my partner dropped disconnected my laptop pinch me, and I spent nan adjacent 2 and a half months solidly working. I really enjoyed it. I was giving lectures to my students from my infirmary bed. I was for illustration you, Jenny: I utilized activity arsenic a measurement to artifact retired nan truth that I was successful a really crap situation.”

As pinch my hubby and children, Griffiths says his partner and grown-up kids person ever known nan awesome benefits he gets from his work. Both of america person astir apt taken things further than astir erstwhile it comes to relying connected activity to modify our moods. Arguably, we person some abused work. But conscionable arsenic 1 section of binge drinking doesn’t make you an alcoholic, maltreatment does not needfully mean addiction, Griffiths says.

“For a short time, you might really beryllium neglecting your family and friends. But it’s episodic,” he says gently. “For you, nan behaviour was functional. It was a coping mechanism. It sewage you done a difficult clip successful your life. That’s not activity addiction.”

We mightiness usage nan connection “addiction” excessively casually today, Griffiths says, but activity addiction is real, if poorly understood, compared pinch gambling and gaming disorder, which are recognised by nan World Health Organization (WHO) and now look successful nan American Psychological Association’s diagnostic and statistical manual (DSM-5). The WHO does recognise burnout. That’s what group spell to their GPs with, on pinch accent and bosom problems, if they are addicted to work. “It’s nan consequences of activity addiction that they’ll activity thief for, nan semipermanent symptoms that person travel to a head.” Still, Griffiths says, if you deliberation you person a problem, your should spell to your GP.

Jen and Sarah described their activity arsenic if it were an obsession, a harmful, pathological compulsion. Griffiths described his arsenic a life-affirming passion. I dream I will beryllium capable to find a measurement of keeping nan rewards of my activity without experiencing nan harm that would make maine an addict. I deliberation that’s what I’ve managed to do, truthful far.

The times I person felt compelled to activity are erstwhile I person wanted to vanish into a simpler world of inputs and outputs, of known quantities and straightforward rewards. I person abused activity erstwhile I wanted to flight reality – done nan pandemic, arsenic good arsenic nan nonaccomplishment of my babies – but I could person done that successful acold much harmful ways. And today, pinch my family complete, I’m very comfortable successful nan present.

I don’t cognize if I will ever beryllium capable to watch nan documentary I made successful Norway. But I americium nary longer horrified astatine myself for making it.