‘an Uphill Battle’: Why Are Midlife Men Struggling To Make – And Keep – Friends?

Illustration: Hagi Musubu/The Guardian

As a therapist, Jeremy Mohler spends his days guiding middle-aged men done feelings of loneliness. He encourages them to activity connections, yet nan 39-year-old is nan first to admit it: erstwhile you’re a guy, making existent friends successful midlife is difficult. “It feels for illustration an uphill battle,” says Mohler, who lives successful Baltimore.

Some telephone it a friendship recession: a clip successful midlife erstwhile adjacent antheral friendships descend to their lowest. According to data from nan Survey Center connected American Life, 15% of US men said they do not person adjacent friends successful 2021, compared pinch 3% successful 1990. Those reporting 10 aliases much adjacent friends decreased from 33% to 13% during nan aforesaid period.

Authentic aliases adjacent relationship whitethorn mean different things to different people. One straightforward explanation is uncovering “someone who sees you arsenic you spot yourself, and you spot them arsenic they spot themselves”, says Niobe Way, a developmental psychology professor astatine New York University. Jeffrey Hall, a professor of connection studies astatine nan University of Kansas who studies friendships and has antecedently recovered it tin return 200 hours to make a adjacent friend, says: “A existent friend will support and guidelines by you nary matter what, will guidelines up for you, and tells you nan truth.”

The reasons for nan relationship recession are complex, says Hall. Straight men Mohler’s property often dangle connected their partners for socializing. Some dive heavy into parenthood. College buddies disperse. Work priorities return over. And moving to a caller metropolis aliases state tin dissolve formerly beardown bonds. Ultimately, it tin consciousness excessively difficult to put clip successful caller and deeper friendships.

Despite loneliness owed to estrangement from relatives aliases different family structures, “many cheery men find and build organization astir an clasp of shared spaces,” says Matt Lundquist, a therapist successful New York, which he finds is little communal for heterosexual men. “This benignant of intentional taking connected a task of searching for new, deeper friendships is much a heterosexual project. It is simply a demographic that is very isolated.”

“My clients are looking for much connections,” Mohler says. “I person ideas and skills and solutions, but I’m still personally searching for applicable ways to do that.”

He is not nan only 1 emotion nan itch to move a workout buddy into personification he tin telephone connected a Saturday afternoon. US men aged 15 to 35 are among nan loneliest successful able countries, pinch 25% reporting emotion lonely for a batch of nan erstwhile day, according to a 2025 Gallup poll. Marketing professor and celebrated podcast big Scott Galloway precocious touted nan benefits of authentic connections for men amid what he called a “perfect large wind of loneliness”.

“Men person it drilled into america from an early property that vulnerability and affectional connections are signs of weakness,” Galloway wrote. “They aren’t, and men pinch power person an responsibility to cleanse this bullshit type of masculinity from nan zeitgeist.”

The men I interviewed opportunity they don’t want to beryllium conscionable a stat successful nan much-touted loneliness epidemic, which is besides progressively being tied to poorer beingness and intelligence wellness outcomes. Still, it’s difficult to debar successful practice.

“There’s a definite taste knowing that men don’t cognize really to enact intimacy aliases that it’s simply not practiced very much,” says Hall. “And moreover men’s celebrated civilization doesn’t show you really to spell astir nan process.”

Some are figuring it out. Jedidiah Jenkins, 42, an writer surviving successful Los Angeles, says he’s had to relearn astir nan value of maintaining adjacent bonds pinch different men. As a teenager, he had plentifulness of friends; making them seemed effortless. “You didn’t person to activity for it,” Jenkins says. “We person to study successful nan aforesaid measurement that we actively download making love apps and prosecute a narration that we person to prosecute friendships.”

For nan past fewer years, Jenkins has organized a play hangout astatine his house. Anywhere from 3 to 20 friends show up for what he calls “riff raff Thursdays”, including a fistful of regulars. He starts a bonfire and serves basking tea, mezcal and peanut food pretzels. The consistency intends that his friends cognize what they are doing that week, and takes distant nan unit of scheduling one-on-one meetups.

“It doesn’t require nan afloat power of uncovering clip for a play java date,” he says.

How antheral friendships autumn by nan wayside

Before nan 2nd world war, same-sex antheral friendships were a ample portion of nationalist life, and women’s friendships were seen arsenic frivolous and little important, Hall explains. But these roles person since reversed. Today, astir heterosexual men consciousness they are marrying personification who becomes nan default events planner, and their genuine adjacent friendships autumn away, Hall says. “They trust connected their wives to create nan societal almanac – they think: ‘She’ll do it and I don’t person to do it’,” he says. “There’s atrophy successful their skillset.”

Way, nan developmental psychology professor, says girls and boys commencement retired connected nan aforesaid trajectory of prioritizing friendships. But boys consciousness unit to springiness up their same-sex friendships because it feels “girly aliases gay”. Rates of antheral termination besides tick up astir adolescence. “It’s not that they people don’t want these friendships. They had them erstwhile they were younger,” she says. “It’s not immoderate weird biologic thing.”

Jedidiah Jenkins, 42, says he has had to relearn astir nan value of maintaining adjacent bonds pinch different men. Photograph: Jason Russell/Jedidiah Jenkins

Way, who receives emails from hundreds of men each twelvemonth astir her research, says much of them consciousness for illustration it’s imaginable to unafraid person friendships aft nan pandemic because nan taxable is receiving much attention. “They are now recognizing what nan problems are,” she says. “They’ve deed nan bottommost of nan barrel.”

At nan aforesaid time, her investigation points to a civilization that doesn’t worth friendships. Since nan 1980s, she says, nan United States’ attraction connected self-fulfillment has reduced nan value of friendships for everyone. Digital life distracts america excessively overmuch aliases provides a simulacrum of closeness; moreover listening to podcasts tin bring a faux emotion of intimacy. “We attraction much connected nan self, and nan tech conscionable exacerbates it,” she says.

Bringing men together

In Hebden Bridge, England, erstwhile master rugby subordinate Craig White has started hosting quality retreats for men to promote deeper connections. White, now a mentor and coach, runs a “mid-life intensive” programme that offers online meetings on pinch a three-day in-person meet-up. White’s retreats impact hiking, spending nights astir a fire, discussing feelings openly and bonding extracurricular of day-to-day pressures.

When it came to his father, “healthy antheral relationship wasn’t modeled and nan relationship groups progressive alcohol,” he says. “A batch of my clients are superb men, but a batch of their aged friends are still doing nan aforesaid point and there’s a reluctance to spell backmost to that.”

Draymond Washington, an entrepreneur and erstwhile financial adviser, founded a backstage nine successful Chicago called Three Cities Social earlier this year, and says connecting midlife professionals is nan goal. But aft months of hosting events, he realized that while nan club’s rank is astir 40% male, arena attendance was typically 80% women, he says.

Men aren’t ever consenting to travel to nan nine to socialize. So he has started hosting events aimed specifically astatine men successful their 30s and 40s: boxing classes, pickleball and vessel rides. “Guys for illustration to do stuff,” Washington says. “Someone needs to curate and past they do want to show up.” He’s been capable to prosecute much men this way, but it’s been much difficult than he expected.

Hall says men must activity against decades of complacency to build friendships powerful capable to dispel loneliness. His anterior research shows that men thin to person debased expectations for their friendships successful general, and often opportunity that moreover those debased expectations aren’t being met. (Women, connected nan different hand, person expectations that are excessively high.) Such low-stakes relationships thin to time off them emotion moreover much unsocial erstwhile compared pinch deeper friendships, he adds.

Kevin Cleaver, 40, who relocated from New York to Highland Park, Illinois, says he decided to attraction connected making connections aft Covid-era isolation. In New York, Cleaver felt progressively alone, and he wasn’t consenting to spell done that again successful a caller city. “That mindset helped maine return nan bull by nan horns to meet others here,” he says.

Draymond Washington, left, founded Three Cities Social successful Chicago this year. Jaquis Covington, right, is simply a member. Photograph: Josh Onwordi

The modulation from casual to deeper relationship tin return time, and it’s not ever evident who is eager to make nan leap, says Cleaver. He started astatine nan gym, saying hullo to group he saw aft workouts. One is now a genuine friend; they bumped into each different astatine nan market shop and were some buying steak, which they took arsenic a motion to socialize extracurricular nan gym.

“The much we ran into each other, nan much we’d chat, but it was only aft we recovered retired that we had an absorbing overlap successful life and relationships that we became closer,” he adds. They person since bonded complete akin romanticist predicaments and regularly meet to chat complete beer.

The domiciled of important others

Some men – particularly those successful heterosexual relationships who person children – person mixed feelings astir really their partners impact friendship, emotion their deficiency of support makes it difficult to prosecute moreover platonic relationships extracurricular marriage.

Jenkins, nan writer from LA, says that based connected his and friends’ experiences, important others are not ever supportive. Some presume men hanging retired together tin lead to inappropriate behavior, reinforcing a taste communicative that “when men are spending clip pinch different men, they are astir apt doing devious activities, going to portion clubs aliases having activity pinch personification other aliases getting trashed,” he says.

Recently, though, he has witnessed immoderate of nan women successful his friend groups fto spell of their protectiveness and promote these friendships, he adds.

But Mohler, nan therapist, says he emulates really his partner, a woman, handles her ain friendships. For example, he checks successful pinch friends aft a nosy evening aliases makes judge to schedule early plans erstwhile he’s hanging retired pinch someone. “I say: ‘I had a really awesome time; we should do this again – let’s support nan shot rolling,’” he says.

Additionally, he has fto spell of surface-level friendships, prioritizing those that person nan imaginable to deepen. “I person a small spot of sadness and condolences for antheral friendships that don’t spell beyond nan surface,” he says. “I want to perceive what they are struggling with, and I want them to thief me.”

The way forward

Hall, nan professor, says that galore men still see friendships to beryllium a women’s issue. And contempt nan thought of social health becoming much mainstream, he’s unsure whether galore men are alert of aliases influenced by these ideas, specified arsenic loneliness affecting beingness health.

He has yet to spot grounds that there’s a persistent inclination of men seeking retired meaningful friendship. “It could beryllium conscionable a flash successful nan pan,” he says.

Could younger men connection a agleam spot? Some research connected undergraduate males from 2017 showed they want much friendly bonds and are comfortable pinch “bromances”, which they opportunity rival aliases transcend romanticist relationships.

Jaquis Covington, 29, is simply a personnel of Three Cities Social; he grew up successful a ample family and says he witnessed his ain parents move only to different family members for support. Seeing his parents consciousness unsocial astatine times has motivated him to do things differently. Outside of his activity successful commercialized existent estate, he spends clip playing video games aliases golfing pinch friends he met done nan club.

“My parents’ champion friends were astir apt their kids. I request to put successful friendships extracurricular of what I’m accustomed to,” he says. “I deliberation astir who is going to beryllium astatine my wedding.”