Are Arsenal Finally Signing Viktor Gyökeres? It’s Already Real In The Digital Hive Mind | Barney Ronay

The existent version of France Football mag has a photograph of Viktor Gyökeres connected nan cover. Not that I’ve looked astatine it much, aliases pored complete its specifications searching for meaning, but nan photograph shows Gyökeres half successful shade, half successful sun, displaying his famously shredded physique, not truthful overmuch nan modular antheral musculature, much a action of lines and bulges, for illustration he’s made wholly from elephantine walnuts, for illustration a cleanable quality challah loaf designed by a robot.

In nan photograph Gyökeres is smiling pinch a benignant of fervour, arsenic though he’s astir to waste you a occurrence musculus powder. And I for 1 would bargain this powder. Make maine into a cyborg, Viktor. Maximise my hidden hyper-potential. Basically, I want Viktor Gyökeres to clasp maine brusquely successful his arms while he talks astir bully proteins and explains nan blockchain, successful a measurement that isn’t sexual. Not for maine anyway, but that decidedly is for him.

There is also, and you’ve astir apt seen this – I for 1 person hardly noticed it – a breathlessly excited Viktor Gyökeres floor plan successful nan June/July rumor of Vogue Scandinavia, which has him posing by his excavation successful biscuit-coloured linens looking for illustration an incredibly handsome psychopath. And yes, nan floor plan talks astir “piercing eyes” and “muscles stretching distant astatine his achromatic T-shirt”, but it’s not salacious aliases inexpensive because Gyökeres is besides “a analyzable and multifaceted individual”, whose PlayStation-pad shot location is successful truth alluring, soulful and “a byproduct of transience”. Yes Viktor Gyökeres. Let maine rescue you. I will make you a home. I will cook for you.

To what grade does a point still person to hap for it to beryllium classed arsenic real? This feels for illustration a cardinal mobility correct now, not conscionable successful football, wherever everything is simultaneously happening and has already happened, but successful life generally, nan last conflict betwixt nan clone and nan real, a mobility that must beryllium surgery down into ever much granular questions. What is “real”? What is “happening”? What is “Viktor Gyökeres”?

Despite nan grounds supra of rigorous journalistic research, I don’t really cognize overmuch astir Gyökeres beyond nan worldly everyone knows. I person nary awesome liking successful whether he signs for Arsenal aliases not until he really does, astatine which constituent he will go conscionable different feline successful an ever-shifting formed of guys, thing existent that now has to really happen. Reality tin wait, though. We aren’t location yet. We are alternatively still drifting on successful nan endless summertime of Gyökeres, witnesses to a yearning that feels for illustration art, and that is successful galore ways amended than existent football.

We cognize this process now. It is basal to conflict it each summer. Don’t get sucked in. Look distant from nan churn. This one, however, feels for illustration a measurement up. It has been 2 months of hive-mind longing complete connected GyökeresHereWeGoX, a spot wherever details, comments, images bubble up and surge, overwhelm nan senses, past vanish for illustration summertime storms.

This seemed to person peaked connected Thursday pinch EXCLUSIVE news that location would that aforesaid time beryllium an EXCLUSIVE prefiguring nan existent EXCLUSIVE, a present we spell for nan present we spell for nan present we really go. Footage appeared of a location (is it a house?) that allegedly shows Gyökeres (is it him?) moving retired his furnishings (is it furniture?). Later, location was talk of a level leaving Stockholm bound for Biggin Hill airport, complete pinch elaborate flightpath screenshots, which was past rubbished by a secondary cohort of Biggin Hill truthers. Wait! His relative has followed Arsenal connected Instagram! A aesculapian is booked for Friday, moreover if location is nary grounds of this, conscionable talk astir talk of a presumed aesculapian connected a hypothetical Friday.

This has go a small over-ripe by now, a descent into 450-word agelong posts astir nan banal exchange, financial gaming and announcement-delay. Gyökeres himself has agelong since go much meme than man. Is it a joke? Is this each post-irony? If a level takes disconnected and cipher knows if Victor Gyökeres is connected it, but excitement astatine nan thought Victor Gyökeres whitethorn beryllium connected it feels real, is Victor Gyökeres really wrong nan plane?.

It would beryllium easy present to disregard this phenomenon, to spot grounds of nan idiot-trajectory of nan quality race, of contented addiction, of nan truth large Euro-football must ne'er not beryllium happening. But this is besides a supremely well‑curated media manufacture now, fed by nan awesome transfluencers of our time, Fab, Orny, nan different ones.

It is besides a benignant of wide societal experiment. Psychologists for illustration to talk astir nan Anticipation Effect, nan rule that anticipation of an arena tin merchandise much dopamine to nan encephalon than nan existent experience. Having Gyökeres successful your squad is good. Talking astir Gyökeres, visualising this, war-gaming it, making it existent successful nan integer mind: this is simply a life choice, thing to make your humor move, for illustration jabbing a fork into your kneecap conscionable truthful you get to consciousness something.

The emotions present are nuanced. Studies show anticipation besides generates anxiety, to nan grade it tin overshadow nan arena itself, aliases make it consciousness for illustration it has already happened. There are group retired location who look genuinely convinced Gyökeres is already not conscionable a nonaccomplishment but a proven fraud.

I tin singing by bosom nan ratio of Portuguese convention goals against teams successful nan bottommost 4 (43.6%). Never mind nan truth this ever happens because those teams are worse, aliases that Erling Haaland, for example, has built a profession astir stamping connected ants. Or that I americium being sucked successful present successful existent time, arguing complete things that haven’t happened but still benignant of have, for illustration nan full point is simply a super-smart Andy Warhol installation called Goal Abs aliases Nothing Is True.

There are reasons why this 1 feels much significant. There are bully quality subplots. Can you make nan leap up? Can a profession that turned connected a 17-goal play successful nan Championship go elite astatine this precocious stage? Gyökeres has been wrapped successful a convincing origins story. There are Proustian elements, immoderate talk successful France Football of a sensory reconnection pinch nan puerility lust for goals, nan clank of nan stanchion, nan request to “start playing again for illustration I did erstwhile I was a child”.

Gyökeres is besides cleanable for nan internet. He’s not into feelings. He’s into nan body. We cognize astir his magic super-breakfast, nan ginger shot, nan strawberries, blueberries and pomegranates, positive 3 – not two, not 4 – eggs. He seems to beryllium pitching himself arsenic real, analogue, anti-academy. Gyökeres says he stayed astatine IFK Aspudden-Tellus truthful agelong because “it built maine otherwise from others”, and I for 1 tin already perceive him saying this connected a seven-hour Joe Rogan podcast.

The spell astatine Brighton is dismissed arsenic not “a bully environment”. A return to nan Premier League would beryllium a chance for “revenge”. Arsenal big Graham Potter’s West Ham successful October. We’re talking astir revenge. We’re aforesaid third-personing (“You haven’t seen nan champion of Gyökeres yet”). Is he arsenic bully arsenic Kane, Lewandowski, Haaland? “It’s difficult to rank me, but yes, I’m astatine nan aforesaid array arsenic them.” How could you not want to spot this?

Viktor Gyökeres puts distant a punishment to complete his hat-trick for Sporting against Manchester City past November. After failing to radiance astatine Brighton his profession took disconnected astatine Coventry. Photograph: Pedro Nunes/Reuters

There are besides 2 shot things that make it interesting. First, this is nan cleanable what-if transfer. It’s beautifully linear. It’s 2+2. Saying Arsenal request a striker has gone connected for truthful agelong it has go a benignant of wide lament, a bardic cycle. The existent candidates are Gabriel Jesus, an almost guy, and Kai Havertz who is bully but besides looks for illustration nan foppish insignificant relative a Jane Austen heroine is required to autumn successful emotion pinch earlier nan presence of handsome, brooding Mr Lordly of Lord Hall.

Well, now you get to motion a 27-year-old goal-maniac whose nicknames are The Machine, The Cyborg, The Viking, The Cannibal and The Tractor. This is simply nan point you asked for, connected a tray, fresh to go. Here is simply a very bully No 9 pinch zero reasons not to succeed, who will astir apt do truthful because a shape has been built, and because of nan grounds of difficult numbers, which are each that really matter successful this dynamic. The different point present is closure. If Gyökeres does motion for Arsenal this will inevitably go a referendum connected nan Mikel Arteta era, which has go mired successful a very annoying chat astir existent success. Is 2nd good? Is this progress?

Whatever you deliberation of Arteta’s cinematic passion, nan Lego fig connected nan heath pointing astatine nan skies dynamic, it is undeniably real, undeniably a quest for victory. There will beryllium a crunch constituent here. There person already been rumblings. The Thomas Partey saga was weird, unsavoury and remains a imaginable timebomb. Now you have your Martín Zubimendi. You person nan muscle-goal athlete, nan finisher. Addition and success. Or limitations pinned and wriggling connected nan wall.

For now we person nan longest day, a here-we-go waiting to happen. Do I situation to scroll? Or tin we linger a small longer, stay successful that dream state, half successful sun, half successful shade, muscles perfectly sculpted, each promise, each what-next, earlier being dragged retired into nan light?